What Is Best For YOU

In my previous post, I mentioned that The Boy was acting kind of off on the last day we spent with him in Florida.  Considering we were still getting to know him, Justin and I both wondered if we were just reading him wrong.

About two days after we got back from Florida, we got a call from The Boy's main caseworker.  And she gave us some heartbreaking news.

She reported that after we dropped him off where he lives the day we left, he and the caseworker walked back in the building and were going to go into a room and talk about how things went.  She said that they hadn't even gotten the door closed when his eyes welled up and he could hardly talk.

In panic, she asked him what was wrong.

"I don't really know how to say it," he said.

After some coaxing, she got him to open up.

The night before, after we'd had such a good day hanging out with him at the facility and talking at the beach, two of his biological family members called him.  And they said some very confusing things to him.  That they'd looked it up, and he was basically going to be the first black person in the state of Utah.  That he was too old to be adopted and that a white family could never accept him for who he was.

Obviously none of those things are true.  But.

But.

I can only imagine the emotional turmoil The Boy was going through.

He'd just had a good day with us, started making some bonds and connections.  But these were biological family members who were making him doubt.  These were people who had known him his entire life.

I don't want you to get me wrong.  I am in no way trying to make them look bad.  Because they were trying to protect him, they were showing concern for him.  I can't imagine how they must feel about this seemingly random family coming in, saying they will take care of this child, and then moving him most of the way across the country.  I'd be cautious too.

The caseworker asked him, "Well, did you like the family?"

"Yeah, I really did."

"So that has to be your decision," she told him.  "You have to remember that you're not with your biological family right now for a reason, and this decision has to be about what is best for you.  You can't let them make that decision for you anymore."

How hard must that be for a barely 14 year old boy?

I certainly wasn't ready for those kinds of decisions at his age.

With a few days to process, everyone reported to us that The Boy still felt good about moving forward with us.  But I will tell you, those few days until we got word were agony.  I wasn't sure what I was going to do if this boy, who I knew was supposed to be a part of our family, said he had changed his mind.  Thankfully, I didn't have to face that.

God's plan continues to move forward.

Coming up next: his visit to Utah.

The First Meeting

I think part of the reason I'm so behind in writing up these posts is because they're so overwhelming.  Every time I've thought about sitting down and trying to put the experiences into helpful and articulate words my chest tightens.  Because it's all so heavy and big, you know?  But the point of this blog is not only to chronicle everything we're going through, but to be a helpful resource to others who might go through this as well.

Anyway, on to the point of this post: OUR FIRST VISIT/MEETING OF THE BOY

As I stated before, our initial meeting and visit with The Boy took place the very next day after Full Disclosure.  In fact, we flew out that night after the meeting.  It was scary, and hard, and I was so overwhelmed, and yes, I did wish I had a few days to process EVERYTHING, but that's not how it works sometimes.  You can't always have control and not everything will work out in the ideal form.

In the 30+ hours leading up to meeting The Boy, I was nervous.  So nervous to the point that I couldn't eat anything.  We arrived in Florida (yes, The Boy is from Florida) at 5:30 AM, we hadn't slept more than a few minutes on the plane; though thankfully the kids slept pretty well.  We had a few hours to kill before the Teen Meet event, so we went to Ihop for breakfast.  I ordered something, but I didn't eat more than a few bites because I was so nervous.  After breakfast, we tried to sleep in the car for about an hour before we had to head over, but my brain was of course running a million miles a minute, knowing I was so close to finally meeting this boy I'd been hearing so much about for months, and one I'd anticipated meeting for nearly a year.

Finally, the time arrived, and we headed to the place the event was scheduled at.  We got there early, so we helped set up a little bit, and just waited, anxiously, for what felt like forever.

And of course The Boy was the last of the teen's to arrive.

One of his caseworkers first introduced us, and I'm sure the smile on my face looked ridiculous.  Hopefully all that nervousness wasn't showing too bad.  But I asked him if I could hug him, and he smiled and said yes, without hesitating.  While hugging this boy who is two inches taller than me, my eyes welled up, just a little, and my heart was so happy.  Thankfully I didn't immediately start crying, like I was worried I might.

The event was fine.  There were a LOT of people there, so it was loud and crowded.  We played games.  Got to talk, not as much as I anticipated, but some.  He was very quiet and we had to drag words out of him, but he seemed willing enough.

Kenzie challenged him to a race within a minute of meeting him, but then got all shy and worried when she really thought about how much bigger he is than her.  But she was excited to play with him, and he smiled when she challenged him.

Liam insisted on being The Boy's bodyguard during one of the games, though he didn't stand a chance at keeping up with The Boy.  He was ALL about being glued to The Boy's side during the entire event.

It went well.  Maybe not quite as well as I'd hoped for, but about how I expected.

We only spent a few hours together that day, and then the event was over.  His caseworker took him to run an errand for him, and we headed to our hotel.  The second we stepped foot inside, we crashed hard for a nap.  And that was it for the first day.

The second day started a little uncertain.  It took us a little while to get ahold of his caseworker, and we couldn't make any plans without her involved.  And he couldn't leave the facility he lives in without her there to take him out, and she lives over an hour away.  *sigh*

Finally, we were able to head to his facility and just hang out with him there on campus.  It was quiet and awkward for a little bit, but we settled into just talking at him.  We told him about the places we live (Utah and Washington).  Explained what school and life is like in both places.  We showed him a LOT of pictures.  Of our houses, of the kids, of just day to day stuff.  Of what the two different states look like.  He didn't say much while we showed him the pictures, but he seemed to enjoy it a lot.

Just before the caseworker got to the facility, we gave him the birthday presents (his birthday had been just a few days before we arrived) we'd brought for him.  Picking things wasn't easy.  We didn't know what he was allowed to have at the facility.  In the end we got him a Seahawks shirt (his favorite team), this retro handheld football game, and a nice duffle bag.  And I'm so relieved he loved them all.  Seeing his face light up was certainly a highlight of the trip.

Once the caseworker arrived, we decided to head out to the beach.  Which after we arrived, I got worried was a bust, because he said he hates sand, didn't wear a swimsuit, and didn't want to be in the heat too much.

But in the end, it worked out great.  Kenzie and Liam had a blast swimming in the waves.  And then Justin and I took turns talking to the caseworker, and talking to The Boy.  The caseworker talked to us about a lot of different things, and we further explained "why The Boy?"  And then we also talked to the Boy while he sat on the beach for quite a while.

He didn't say much to me.  Mostly I just talked at him because he didn't seem to know what to talk to me about.  Which is okay.  But he did open up with Justin quite a bit.  They just talked.  And they started to bond.

We wrapped up the day with dinner, and dropped him back off at the facility for bed.

The third, and last day, again, started off slow.  We had to wait for the caseworker to come down so we could take him off campus, and by the time she was able to arrive, we only had about 2 1/2 hours before we needed to head out for our flight.  So we took him bowling and got some lunch.

He was kind of quiet that day.  Reserved.  I felt like something was off, but I'd only spent 2 days with him, so I wasn't really sure I was reading him right.  Maybe more on the reason why in a later post.  But he tried.  He talked a little.  Got into the rivalry and competition of blowing.  Was very polite while we were out and about.

The time came and we had to take him back and head to the airport.  I was expecting this big, drawn-out and slightly dramatic goodbye.  But in the end it was quick and somewhat awkward.  We said goodbye in the parking lot of the facility.  And I saw his eyes looking back toward the buildings where the kids live, looking to see who was watching.

And I get it.

No teenager wants to be made fun of.  No one wants to be teased.

So while it wasn't the goodbye I'd anticipated, I understood.

Flying back to Utah was hard.  Leaving one of my children behind, not knowing when I was going to see him again wasn't easy.  But at least now I knew him.  Now I'd hugged him, and seen him laugh with Kenzie and Liam.  I'd watched him talk to Justin and get serious about sports.

And we were one step closer to bringing him home.